Rand Paul’s ‘Festivus’ Highlights

For the handful of people who have never seen Seinfeld, Frank Costanza invented a new holiday after being fed up with Christmas commercialism. A Festivus for the rest of us!

In the show, on December 23rd, Festivus begins with an airing of grievances. The characters sit around a feast and express all the ways they’ve been disappointed by each other. Instead of a tree, you put up an aluminum pole, very high strength to weight ratio, and conclude the evening with a wrestling match.

Every year Senator Rand Paul hosts Festivus on Twitter. Luckily there’s no Feat of Strength or Poles involved; just the airing of government grievances.

The full ‘Festivus Tweet Storm’

Luckily, “the government shutdown [didn’t] shut down [Rand Paul’s] airing of grievances.” The meme, joke, and legitimate complaint ridden tweet storm is the highlight of the Christmas season.

Senator Paul is absolutely right. I cannot think of how many hours the MSM spent claiming Trump would drag us into WWIII. Obviously, that did not happen. If fact, he had been doing more than the last two presidents to bring about peace. Pulling out of the Middle East, and trying to negotiate the denuclearization of North Korea. The latter is taking longer than expected, but progress is progress.

The establishment admitting they “hate the President, love war and have been wrong for the last 20 years on every part of foreign policy” is all Rand wants for Christmas.

He also says what we are all thinking, but too afraid to say. Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

As the most fiscally conservative member of Congress, Rand loves his annual waste report: a list of all the stupid things the government wastes our money on.

I don’t know about you, but this is a matter of national importance. Rand is a doctor, I’m sure he appreciates quality scientific research. How sex habits of quails vary on cocaine? The person who came up with this research proposal might have been on some himself. There is no foreseeable break through from data like this. If you want to privately fund quail orgies, that’s fine, but don’t make taxpayers foot the bill.

If the government is so fixated on promoting tourism, I’m sure there are a couple areas in the U.S. we could boost tourism in. How about Atlantic City? That place went down hill. Or how about paying off our debt instead.

I could blow lizards (with a leaf blower) for $20. Have you noticed the government always finds a way to make simple things complicated and 10x the cost?

I can accept that we give foreign aid, though I’m not happy about it. But look at who receives it! Can we at the very least not give free money to nations who oppress their own people, abuse currency values, and acts hostile to us and our allies? They’re the fastest growing economy; they don’t need our money.

Have you ever been inside a DMV? Would you want the people who run that running your healthcare?

Would Festivus be complete without a joke about the 1/1024th Native American Senator, Elizabeth Warren? Silly Rand, you can only find her under 1/1024th of a tepee.

Claiming minority heritage, yet being whiter than the average white person means you deserve ridicule. This isn’t an attack towards Native Americans, rather a jab at fakers.

Interestingly enough Rand likes Trump, but admits he “seems to have a problem keeping staff around him.” He’s firing people so often I feel like I’m watching The Apprentice.

The Omen is a movie about the son of Satan being switched with a U.S. ambassadors child causing Satan’s spawn to grow up in politics and later take over the world.

I thought the Steel Slates/Border Wall design was good before, but adding a dinosaur cat with laser eyes and a 50 cal will make it impenetrable. Someone better open the government back up so Rand can stop playing with Photoshop.

Anyone else love Cruz’s beard? Rand does too. He thinks Cruz should have sported the beard while he was running for president because “he looks less Canadian now.”

Only Congress has the power to declare war, not the President. If Senator Graham wants to fight in the Middle East so badly why not introduce a declaration of war like the Constitution mandates.

Can someone explain how ending wars leads to more wars? President Trump is literally advocating for U.S. peace. This is something he campaigned on with overwhelming support. In fact, most democrats want us to no bomb random countries… unless Trump does it.

Bolton has always been a warmonger. Seems like a bit of poetic irony.

The Farm Bill was mostly nothing special other than Hemp legalization. That was a big step towards the decriminalizing and legalization of marijuana Rand desperately wants. There is no reason to lock people up simply for smoking a plant. Weed is still illegal, but hemp, a plant with so many commercial purposes, is now legal.

Prison reform also passed this month. It was a move towards reducing recidivism among low risk and non violent inmates.

Both were widely bipartisan and both show Congress is capable of working together. Now if only they’d work like that on immigration reform. Rand ends Festivus with optimism and hope; hope for a well working, yet small, government.

Merry Christmas, Senator Paul!



Categories: Opinion

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